[Buddha-l] Being in Love

[Franz Metcalf]

Gang,

Stephan remarked--playfully, I hope--that

> ... which is where polyamory would probably be regarded as the most  
> spiritual love of all.

There are numerous reasons to reject this position, both in the suttas  
and in our life experience. Bob and I have described our own loves,  
and we are emphatically not describing polyamory. In fact, we are  
describing its polar opposite, and I don't mean celibacy. Celibacy is  
effectively a purified polyamory: polyamory without the sex. In a  
theoretical way, these run parallel, as the tantric traditions assert.  
Of course in real life I strongly doubt anyone practices such a pure  
polyamory. The tantric traditions may claim it as a possibility, but  
who practices it? All I ever see is lust masquerading as wisdom. Ugh.

I think the real opposite of polyamory is monogamy. When one remains  
with a spouse for long enough, the infatuation of romantic love must  
inevitably fade. Joanna has noted this in this thread. The question  
then becomes, what, if anything, replaces the illusion of love? My  
answer: the reality of love. This only comes through long and  
difficult work. Of course it is also rewarding work, but it remains  
work. Eventually, a space of trust can be created where a gradual  
erosion of defenses and ego illusions is possible. This absolutely--in  
my experience--requires sexual and emotional faithfulness. Note that  
in the passage from the Sigalovada Sutta, the one common requirement  
for both husband and wife is faithfulness.

I might add that this sort of faithfulness is also how love, and the  
very capacity to love, is passed down from one generation to the next.  
It is in the trusting space created by the maternal figure (who can be  
a man, of course) that the infant and toddler experiences what it is  
to be deeply seen and loved. Only through this reflection can the  
child grow within the capacity to reflect another and thus to feel  
love. There is no chance whatever that the Buddha rejected such love.  
And I believe this love is precisely what is described in the  
Sigalovada Sutta, despite the difference in language.

There are no short cuts here. It requires a lifetime of practice--at  
least for me. And its only end is loss. No wonder this is sometimes  
called the harder path.

Franz