[Buddha-l] anti-antithesis

[Richard Hayes]

On Mon, 2006-09-25 at 16:56 -0600, Jim Peavler wrote:

> Could someone mention Buddha?

One of the people who shaped my way of thinking back in the days when my
way thinking could still be shaped was an Indian filmmaker who told me
that the surest way to assess a man's religion is by the way he swears
when he becomes angry. (There is no reliable test for women, he assured
me, since women never swear. This was some decades ago. Things may have
changed since then.)

Being a Lusthaus-certified Wannabe Buddhist, I've tried for most of my
life to learn how to swear like a real Buddhist. For example, when I hit
my thumb with a hammer, I try to include the full list of disgusting
things the human body is made of: head hair, body hair, nails, teeth,
skin...and so on, until I get to SHIT!

My cantankerous father used to swear by saying "Judas Priest!" I tried
to get into the habit of saying "Devadatta Bhikkhu!" but without much
success. It sounded too contrived somehow.

An old rancher I used to work for in Alberta swore by making Jesus the
agent of a series of sexual practices that the historical Jesus is
unlikely ever to have performed. Unfortunately, my fondness for the
Buddha stood in the way of my trying to blurt out the Buddhist
counterparts. I figure there's a good chance that rancher is now
experiencing the blazes of hell. Anyone who has survived an Alberta
winter knows what a blessing that would be.

All my efforts to get into the habit of saying "Narakaghanaani" instead
of "Hell's bells" came to naught, as did my efforts to learn to say "Oh
for Gautama's sake!"

Once upon a time I read that Sri Lankan Buddhists say "Buddho maa!"
which is said to mean something like Mother Buddha. (Don't they know in
Sri Lanka that girls can't be buddhas?)

Lacking the proper vocabulary to swear like a proper bhikkhu, I have
pretty much decided to become a never-returner in this life. A
never-returner, as every Buddhist knows, has no anger and thus has no
further need to cuss.

Thanks for whipping us back into civility, Jim! It's a naraka of a lot
less fun to be civilized, but at least we don't have to send the women
and children out of the room before opening up our buddha-l mail.

-- 
Richard Hayes <rhayes at unm.edu>
University of New Mexico