[Buddha-l] Re: Gender on Buddha-l

[StormyTet at aol.com]

In a message dated 10/9/2005 11:39:30 A.M. Central Daylight Time,  
rhayes at unm.edu writes:

Joanna:  > Sorry but that's wrong----if you hold to that view, then you have 
no  concept
> of culture whatsoever, thanks to an apparent decision to  disregard some 
very
> huge social realities.

RH: Sorry, but  that's not an argument. If you'd like to convince me, you'll
have to  provide some evidence. Or is evidence a guy thing?
Hi Richard, Joanna, and Dylan,
 
Richard Hayes seemed to suggest that there was no male point of view vs.  
female.  Well, my early comments about mothering/academics and detachment  are a 
good example. The Buddha left his child. It hurt him, but he left. The  stigma 
associated with this was minimal and even today when a man  is across the 
country  and sees his children periodically he does not  face the same 
stigmatization as a mother who has pursued her career.
 
My son currently spends the week days with his father and step mother and  
the weekends with me. That in itself is enough to make people double-take me.  
Just recently I wrote an Opinion editorial in a newspaper and my son was  
mentioned. My editor loved it but told me it was 'rather gratuitous.' I asked  him 
why. He told me because I "hardly see my son." Well, the truth is that me  and 
my son are very close but I have compartmentalized my work/academic  career 
and those in that part of my life do not really have a clue concerning my  
relationship with my son.  It is not good for my career to come across as  someone 
who has emotional distractions -- I instead look like a cold hearted  'bad' 
mother -- but that is okay as long as I 'stay up with the  boys.'  I know that 
there will be little toleration for phone calls  from school during meetings, 
being home with a sick child, or failing  to meet a deadline because I was too 
busy being a mother, etc. 
 
For a year me and my son have been talking about me going away to finish my  
doctorate. The tears have flowed a lot. Half the time I tell him and myself 
that  it is important for individuals to follow their dreams. Sam knows that he 
is not  to get married or have kids until he is done with his education. My 
career  prospects and financial stability will be greatly limited if I do not 
finish my  Ph.D. On the other hand, I have just about decided that I can't be 
away from him  that much. 
 
Men, I would conjecture, are far more emotionally liberated to make  choices 
based on economic and creative interests than women. I am fully aware  that I 
have internalized the critique against mothers who are 'too  independent.'  
That internalization makes me susceptible emotionally in  ways that men are not. 
Perhaps in a perfectly androgynous world men and women  would not have 
different opinions, but in this world, the socialization is  strong and insidious. 
As it stands, men are more often encouraged to live  up to their full potential 
and women are encouraged to be nurturing  caregivers. Trying to fit that 
mold, ironically enough made me sick with RA  years ago.  Meditation saved me from 
the effects of RA too, plus  a commitment to live up to my potential.  
 
I have been trained to be aware of the stereotypes and 'frames' in which  
women and men are represented in our media. The truth is that women are less  
often pictured in positions of authority or outside of the home. Older men are  
more often depicted as leaders in media representations. Older women are less  
likely to have life goals in media representations. There are more young women 
 to older men in media representations. Culture is a social construction and 
the  truth is that women face a different set of pressures than men do. 
This is going to have an impact on how we perceive and thus an impact on  our 
opinions on certain key issues.
 
Ultimately, it is I who has to figure out the best course for me and my  son, 
but believe me, there are plenty of voices out there that press a woman  
toward accepting a certain socially acceptable path and it is very different  than 
the path that a man is socialized toward.
 
Btw, Richard, I will probably be at UNM for a visit in late January. I  would 
love any advice concerning where to find affordable accommodations for a  
week.
 
Stormy
 





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