[Buddha-l] Re: Recollections of Coyote available on-line

[Richard P. Hayes]

On Sun, 2005-06-12 at 17:33 +0200, Stefan Detrez wrote:

> I've been skimming through your envigorating writings on Buddhism and
> I was wondering: 'Gee, this man knows so much about a multitude of
> aspects of Buddhism, that he must've either become estranged through
> the demythologizing power of knowledge, or he has only become more and
> more confident about the worth of studying it all as a purpose in
> life'. Which one is it?

Neither of the above. My knowledge of almost everything is much too
superficial to have any power at all--even the power to demythologize.
The closer I get to retirement, the more aware I am of how little of
value I have accomplished in any field, except to stay out of the way of
promising students. The lack of personal achievement does not deter me
from wondering whether I might have been able to accomplish even less if
I had stayed with the first love of my live, mathematics, or if I had
stayed with the romantic vision of my young adulthood of being a
starving playwright cranking out bitter polemics against the evils of
free enterprise and the banalities of North American popular culture.

Where do I stand with Buddhism? To be quite honest, I have no idea. My
lovely wife assures me I am not a Buddhist at all, but more of a
cultural misfit who try without success to see things from a non-
American perspective. (Beware of wives, for they always know the truth
about who one really is.) She is probably right, for, alas, life has not
furnished me with enough dukkha to enable me to see Buddhism as more
than an interesting exercise in narcissistic negativity and interminable
whining, followed by all manner of improbable wishful thinking about
pure lands and instant enlightenment. If I believed in rebirth, I might
be able to say that at least my unsystematic and undisciplined studies
have planted some Dharmic seeds to harvest in a future life. As it
stands, I must say I have been so happy during my life that I have not
even made it to the first noble truth, let alone the ones that enable
one to get beyond it.

All that notwithstanding, thank you for your kind words, Stefan.

Richard